Last day of the convention!
May. 26th, 2025 06:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sennashi_doreiHas been going pretty well so far. I have been able to put aside how horrible all my problems are, and just go on vacation for a minute.
On the one hand, I think I should be angry, because isn't my community supposed to prop me up? and I'm not getting that.
I'm opting to just, take a step back, or just away.. just.. chill out, and feccing live my life.
But, I am upset with basically everyone even though I don't say it.
Is everyone upset with me?
To me, if you were to argue that you were upset with someone for being a wheel chair user, that is what it would be like to argue that you are upset with me: you just sound dumb and hateful.
I was not in pain at last year's convention, and I'm not in pain at this year's convention... but if I return to my memory banks of 2 years ago: I still remember how bad it was. It was this weird thing, where I was doing sort of ok until then, but then went to the convention, and suddenly, was having a lot of problems with my health that didn't feel contagious. It just was horrible to live with, and I just did anyway.
Last year, I felt precarious and scared about my health. I took strong precautions to take care of myself such as sleep hygiene, which I did again this year. Sometimes it makes me feel not great, like I can't party, but I just can't care, my health points are too low.
This year... Thursday was just... there were days within the times directly before my surgery that were still better than what Thursday was. The first couple of months of this year were definitely better than last year. This month, I have had 3 very bad days in particular. 2 of them were while I had the hang nail, so I thought it was related to that. Ah well.
----
I am succeeding in staying convinced that I won't need surgery again.
My blog might be a nightmare to you, I could so easily see that: and to be honest: my life is actually so heavily actually a nightmare to me. I don't like being alive right now, but it only so much has to do with the HS and the pain stuff.. that is on the table, but a lot of that can be forgone, and I can opt to be positive, when I at least have reasonable societal support: which I currently don't, other than this weird weekend that is just 1/100th of a year.
I think the species is cruel, and that unnecessary cruelties are being placed in my times. It is reasonable not to like something, that's all there is to it. You could maybe eat grass like a cow and survive? But the question is, do you have to like it? There are standards, there are supposed to be standards, and everyone just acts like they aren't supposed to be there. I don't understand.
Well, I joined this OHS group... didn't do that for a long while.. it's nice sometimes, hearing from others with similar stories especially. But, as I can imagine myself as maybe a nightmare to you: there are others, also living with nightmare lives. Yesterday, I saw a post about someone who received 3 heart surgeries within 2 months.
These situations, when I look at them: "Aren't we allowed to rest?"
Oh, I was very sick..
--------
Anyway, I'm leaving it away for now. Today is the last day of the convention. I have no idea who I will run into. I have panels until the early afternoon. It has been requested that maybe I could help in some places, but I'm not sure how up for it I will be.
-----
Last night, I dreamt somewhat about the convention, at the very least, some friends from the con were there. It was also an origami dream. Back in my very early days studying Japanese: I used to have a Kanji dictionary with large pictures of the characters that I would study. On occasion, I would have dreams that were like flashcards, where I would get a Kanji slide show: I would wake up, and think to myself: "Am I studying in my sleep?"
Cool.
Last night's origami bit was at least slightly similar.. a Millenium Falcon was being folded, and it used the waterbomb base.. the fold scenario walked through that, and one or two steps ahead. That was fun. My dream also involved Canada, and a row of houses that were down a one way street. there was also a harbor (which was in Canada..) and a friend of mine was getting pictures taken at the harbor.
On the one hand, I think I should be angry, because isn't my community supposed to prop me up? and I'm not getting that.
I'm opting to just, take a step back, or just away.. just.. chill out, and feccing live my life.
But, I am upset with basically everyone even though I don't say it.
Is everyone upset with me?
To me, if you were to argue that you were upset with someone for being a wheel chair user, that is what it would be like to argue that you are upset with me: you just sound dumb and hateful.
I was not in pain at last year's convention, and I'm not in pain at this year's convention... but if I return to my memory banks of 2 years ago: I still remember how bad it was. It was this weird thing, where I was doing sort of ok until then, but then went to the convention, and suddenly, was having a lot of problems with my health that didn't feel contagious. It just was horrible to live with, and I just did anyway.
Last year, I felt precarious and scared about my health. I took strong precautions to take care of myself such as sleep hygiene, which I did again this year. Sometimes it makes me feel not great, like I can't party, but I just can't care, my health points are too low.
This year... Thursday was just... there were days within the times directly before my surgery that were still better than what Thursday was. The first couple of months of this year were definitely better than last year. This month, I have had 3 very bad days in particular. 2 of them were while I had the hang nail, so I thought it was related to that. Ah well.
----
I am succeeding in staying convinced that I won't need surgery again.
My blog might be a nightmare to you, I could so easily see that: and to be honest: my life is actually so heavily actually a nightmare to me. I don't like being alive right now, but it only so much has to do with the HS and the pain stuff.. that is on the table, but a lot of that can be forgone, and I can opt to be positive, when I at least have reasonable societal support: which I currently don't, other than this weird weekend that is just 1/100th of a year.
I think the species is cruel, and that unnecessary cruelties are being placed in my times. It is reasonable not to like something, that's all there is to it. You could maybe eat grass like a cow and survive? But the question is, do you have to like it? There are standards, there are supposed to be standards, and everyone just acts like they aren't supposed to be there. I don't understand.
Well, I joined this OHS group... didn't do that for a long while.. it's nice sometimes, hearing from others with similar stories especially. But, as I can imagine myself as maybe a nightmare to you: there are others, also living with nightmare lives. Yesterday, I saw a post about someone who received 3 heart surgeries within 2 months.
These situations, when I look at them: "Aren't we allowed to rest?"
Oh, I was very sick..
--------
Anyway, I'm leaving it away for now. Today is the last day of the convention. I have no idea who I will run into. I have panels until the early afternoon. It has been requested that maybe I could help in some places, but I'm not sure how up for it I will be.
-----
Last night, I dreamt somewhat about the convention, at the very least, some friends from the con were there. It was also an origami dream. Back in my very early days studying Japanese: I used to have a Kanji dictionary with large pictures of the characters that I would study. On occasion, I would have dreams that were like flashcards, where I would get a Kanji slide show: I would wake up, and think to myself: "Am I studying in my sleep?"
Cool.
Last night's origami bit was at least slightly similar.. a Millenium Falcon was being folded, and it used the waterbomb base.. the fold scenario walked through that, and one or two steps ahead. That was fun. My dream also involved Canada, and a row of houses that were down a one way street. there was also a harbor (which was in Canada..) and a friend of mine was getting pictures taken at the harbor.
