...and it being something that just doesn't make any sense. Because today was Xmas, I decided to spend last night at the hospital with her for holiday cheer. Last night was the second night that I spent there, and the day before that, I did not go at all. My body is seriously going through pain. As the year is ending, I will go over a few of the pain complaints that I remember this year.. particularly, the things that concern me are when I get chest pains, which are not happening for most of a month or two now. Earlier this year, I got plantar fasciitis, it really was horrible, but I lucked out, because the pool opened just as it was starting up, and switching to swimming resolved the problem, and I didn't have to deal with pained feet anymore. My right arm hurting when I walk. I don't have this problem all of the time, in fact, it is not super common, but I have had it bad enough that crying was the only thing that made sense, I would literally have to sit down, regardless of any seating arrangements, and put my arm in very strange positions and wait til it would get somewhat better before continuing walking.. I had a small trace of it today, but nothing extreme like some of the bad days. Mom has tendonitis in her right shoulder, so sometimes it seems like she is going through something similar, I think hers seems to be worst based on the complaint registry. She is also regularly complaining about muscle spasms in her legs, and I am convinced they have her on something between too many/not the right psych meds, but she swears by them. The doctors at the hospital right now seem to have not much concern for her leg pains and shoulder complaints, yet again, showing how little they think of what patients complain about. They are concerned about her heart, and she has never had heart complaints. The positive side of myself wants to pretend that she is so concerned about me that she is testing medical procedures etc to find a good path for me, but I'm not sure how ethical that really is, she may or may not actually be having these problems, that is what the doctors are saying, and they are trying to confirm with testing that she is agreeing to, of course I am sure this is about her, not me, she deserves to be cared about too.
So, I wanted to complain about one more pain thing of myself this year... ok, well two more... one is the left lung/rib pain that has been going this winter, and now on top of that, I have started dealing with an incredibly extreme lower back, like at the base of my spine pain. It has hurt especially bad on the two nights that I stayed at the hospital with my mom, and I even slept last night, swearing that I was feeling the pain as I was sleeping, it was sooooo bad. It is a little excruciating, and it awkwardly started up especially after I started to complain about my stupid hobble. It has been a little funny sometimes, I think especially I have had it this year, but I feel like it has not been just this year, I just mostly remember it this year... sometimes when I get up, I do this type of hobble walk, and if you saw it, you would assume that I am something like an 80 yr old in some pretty bad pain. It has never hurt so much though, I just do my stupid hobble and feel like I look 80 yrs old through how I walk. I was posting somewhere to someone who got something like a spinal fusion about how even though I might look like I am in pain, it is really not that bad. Well, awkwardly enough, not long after I made that post, this horrible lower back pain that I am talking about, started up, argh. Honestly, it feels very similar to the left lung/rib thing, where I think it may be caused by the cold weather. It also reminds me of the plantar fascitis episode.. I am just hoping that it is a short term thing that goes away on its' own.
These are just the complaints that I can list easily, and in general, my health on the whole felt better this year than last year, though I am certain that at least some of that is related to better treatment from fellow humans, I still feel like I am being treated horribly, and I have no idea what is wrong with everyone that my life is like what it is sometimes. It is especially the economic exclusion and lack of friends.
One absolutely amazing and terrific thing that happened this year, which I wish had just always been the case throughout the years: I was, not a single time, involuntarily hospitalized. This year, I was hospitalized 3 times, and all 3 times were voluntary, and I was treated humanely in the hospital all 3 times. It's one of those things where you want to say: "yay..." but then recognize that over the years, your human rights have been violated, and even though you are glad it is not happening, it does not mean that it did not happen, and it still feels like it needs to be addressed. Inhumane treatment of sick people is supposed to be a crime, I really cannot change my stance about that. If you forcibly knock someone out of consciousness without having a conversation with them, the lines between what you are doing...
I am tired, my back hurts. I slept most of the day, I tried to have a nice time with my mom and the hospital and I thought we did ok, but of course I am concerned about her. They still have her in the ICU, which to me feels overboard.. and I feel like they are trying to story sculpt to me, because I have been in the ICU post heart surgery, and the type of care she is receiving is closer to being in an assisted living facility, just with some stronger equipment. Most of the people working there look like they are in their 20s which heavily freaks me out. My mom feels fine and trusting of the situation, and I am just being there along side while decisions are being made, and we try to find some resolution for her to get better. She hasn't walked in days which of course scares me, and again makes me concerned more about her legs... the doctors are convinced that she is dealing with cardiac weakness which is causing her to have energy problems, but I am looking at the fact that she had 2 toes amputated earlier this year, which I am convinced she did because of the leg muscle spasms, thinking that they would heal up... but they have not, and I think she is searching for resolution to the muscle spasms. It just feels like nightmare after nightmare. She is in the same hospital where I recently did the program, and is affiliated with the hospital where I got my heart surgery.
I keep getting this feeling that life is trying to lead into some incredibly grueling and cruel series, as if I am not already there... it is like everything is horrible, and I don't know if things will get better or worse. Things have been both better and worse, so there is just no telling, but it is one of those things, where you really just want to KNOW that things are ok, are going to be ok, and instead, you are surrounded by a bunch of retards who for some reason, want you to constantly feel on guard, unsafe, and unwelcome. Other people are making my life horrible through my lack of inclusion. It is sad to try to say that popularity is supposed to have any say in how someone is doing: but why should anyone try to argue that community is not important? There is no winning for sick people, because our complaints are so heavy, and social security literally has to be a reality for us to have a good time, and currently, it is like that does not even exist.
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