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Sleep talk.
Mar. 19th, 2025 07:10 amI'm not anticipating that things are going to get better, probably for a while, and I'm sad about it. I feel like I've been enlisted in the military, and am fighting. I am post heart surgery, and I sort of did ask for it, and I also sort of didn't ask for it.
When you are young, you know you want it to end fast, but you just do what you can to think of how you are going to find or make the peace.
Heart surgery is war, and these are violations of human rights.
----
I want to be able to look back, and remember the good times. When I got my surgery: one of my biggest fears was that I was going to have major troubles with sleep. Last year, I did finally have the kind of troubles that I thought I might. Thankfully, it did not last long. If it comes back, I'm not even sure I could survive it.
My heart gets palpitations sometimes, and it gets bradycardia issues other times. I get so sore by the end of the day, that going to sleep is pretty much a point of amazement. It's like I have the opposite of sleep problems.
There are still some nights where I can't sleep for a while, even if I'm uncomfortable. In the transition of going from sitting to laying down, it is truly impossible to explain how drastic a difference that shift is.
----
I'm beginning to wonder if I have POTS. I only even heard of the disorder recently... As soon as I heard "postural", I was interested.. but when I heard the tachicardia, I thought to myself.. no, I don't think I have this. But I do deal with rapid heart beat sometimes. The postural is SO strong and with at least partial RHB issues.. yeah, I would sort of want to put myself in this camp.
The only thing is: once you get a diagnosis, it's feccing there yo. I sort of love being this undiagnosed anomaly. I mean, they say I have BPD: but I don't think there are experts strong enough on the heart and brain to verify what they are saying, especially when inequalities aren't being taken into account. The only thing that is kinda nice about the BPD thing, is that BP also stands for blood pressure, and I do think that I have blood pressure issues, so I'm opting not to care too heavily: but I do think that they are being jackasses, since my heart issues are so much more important.
So anyway, I'm kinda new to chest pains, which is.. at least I had a run? Funny story.
I thought I'd make it to 40, sad I underestimated.
"If you get a diagnosis, maybe they can help you better!!" I don't care at this point. It is absolutely true that I want my heart problems acknowledged before all else, and that not doing so... basically makes you the mentally ill one, as far as I'm concerned.
I can never tell if it is society in general, or just the doctors themselves.. I am going with society in general.. is choosing to view the doctors as gods... it is like we are pretending that life is a video game, and going to the hospital is the same thing as receiving a potion/phoenix down to full recovery.
Oh, it is so reasonable to aim for that as a goal, it is reasonable to expect to find a doctor, and have a problem go away: but I am tired of the illusions around me of others that humans are currently so advanced that heart surgery is a magic fix all.
I can be as appreciative as I can for what has been done for me, but currently, I KNOW there are limitations. You might know it too in your own way, but you aren't where I am.
And I am very exhausted from doctors reading a list that tells me my problems which I did not tell them are my problems. Being a doctor isn't easy I'm sure, plenty of folks are working so well, and it's so easy to complain about anything.
There comes a point where a person has to ask: who are you trying to solve what problem for?
----
Humans are not good creatures. I'm in 禅 school. I always hated particularly Catholicism growing up. I studied Zen in school, and it is what my life reminds me of. I'm back in my teacher's class.
----
Religion just isn't my thing. Heart surgery is an act that uses science so heavily, that you have to almost forget religion is real.
----
When you are young, you know you want it to end fast, but you just do what you can to think of how you are going to find or make the peace.
Heart surgery is war, and these are violations of human rights.
----
I want to be able to look back, and remember the good times. When I got my surgery: one of my biggest fears was that I was going to have major troubles with sleep. Last year, I did finally have the kind of troubles that I thought I might. Thankfully, it did not last long. If it comes back, I'm not even sure I could survive it.
My heart gets palpitations sometimes, and it gets bradycardia issues other times. I get so sore by the end of the day, that going to sleep is pretty much a point of amazement. It's like I have the opposite of sleep problems.
There are still some nights where I can't sleep for a while, even if I'm uncomfortable. In the transition of going from sitting to laying down, it is truly impossible to explain how drastic a difference that shift is.
----
I'm beginning to wonder if I have POTS. I only even heard of the disorder recently... As soon as I heard "postural", I was interested.. but when I heard the tachicardia, I thought to myself.. no, I don't think I have this. But I do deal with rapid heart beat sometimes. The postural is SO strong and with at least partial RHB issues.. yeah, I would sort of want to put myself in this camp.
The only thing is: once you get a diagnosis, it's feccing there yo. I sort of love being this undiagnosed anomaly. I mean, they say I have BPD: but I don't think there are experts strong enough on the heart and brain to verify what they are saying, especially when inequalities aren't being taken into account. The only thing that is kinda nice about the BPD thing, is that BP also stands for blood pressure, and I do think that I have blood pressure issues, so I'm opting not to care too heavily: but I do think that they are being jackasses, since my heart issues are so much more important.
So anyway, I'm kinda new to chest pains, which is.. at least I had a run? Funny story.
I thought I'd make it to 40, sad I underestimated.
"If you get a diagnosis, maybe they can help you better!!" I don't care at this point. It is absolutely true that I want my heart problems acknowledged before all else, and that not doing so... basically makes you the mentally ill one, as far as I'm concerned.
I can never tell if it is society in general, or just the doctors themselves.. I am going with society in general.. is choosing to view the doctors as gods... it is like we are pretending that life is a video game, and going to the hospital is the same thing as receiving a potion/phoenix down to full recovery.
Oh, it is so reasonable to aim for that as a goal, it is reasonable to expect to find a doctor, and have a problem go away: but I am tired of the illusions around me of others that humans are currently so advanced that heart surgery is a magic fix all.
I can be as appreciative as I can for what has been done for me, but currently, I KNOW there are limitations. You might know it too in your own way, but you aren't where I am.
And I am very exhausted from doctors reading a list that tells me my problems which I did not tell them are my problems. Being a doctor isn't easy I'm sure, plenty of folks are working so well, and it's so easy to complain about anything.
There comes a point where a person has to ask: who are you trying to solve what problem for?
----
Humans are not good creatures. I'm in 禅 school. I always hated particularly Catholicism growing up. I studied Zen in school, and it is what my life reminds me of. I'm back in my teacher's class.
----
Religion just isn't my thing. Heart surgery is an act that uses science so heavily, that you have to almost forget religion is real.
----
