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sennashi_doreiI was worried that there might be some drama coming back today because of the freak out yesterday. Just so you know, not even I am ok with these stupid freak outs, but actually, yes I do remember how I felt during the freak out, and yes it was medically unwell. Since yesterday, my chest pains/discomfort have been back up again. It feels emotionally related, which to an extent, means that it feels like it is being induced by others, which really irritates me. I just had 1-1.5 months ish, where I really had a super great run... I'm hoping it gets to come back again, it just seems like people can easily upset me. To me, I call this heart disease, but so many people call it mental illness, which bothers me, because I had heart surgery, like how can you expect my functionality to be perfect? I mean, I really don't anticipate that my brain is perfect, but to me, I see it as an attached phenomenon of the heart problems. And either way, when people call me mentally ill, I feel either like... #1: I am missing my whole hand, and that is the heart surgery, and everyone keeps pointing out to me: "You know one of your fingers is missing, right?" and the missing finger is the dysfunction of my brain.. likely related to my heart function.... and also, as if that's not rude to point out someone's imperfections.
or #2: I am missing one of my hands, and that is my heart surgery, but people are telling me that I am missing both hands, and the other hand is my brain, like, since I'm freaking out post heart surgery, will they try to do a lobotomy next? I don't REALLY think that will happen, but in a worse case scenario, it seeds that fear a little, and what I fear way worse than a brain surgery, is a second heart surgery, which always feels more likely, and really not great to have to think about... and honestly does not look like the mental health connection at all. No matter which angle I look at it from, I am regularly dealing with discomfort and stress, and scared of extreme medical procedures, that are not irrational to be scared of given how I am being treated and what my body is actually going through.
or #2: I am missing one of my hands, and that is my heart surgery, but people are telling me that I am missing both hands, and the other hand is my brain, like, since I'm freaking out post heart surgery, will they try to do a lobotomy next? I don't REALLY think that will happen, but in a worse case scenario, it seeds that fear a little, and what I fear way worse than a brain surgery, is a second heart surgery, which always feels more likely, and really not great to have to think about... and honestly does not look like the mental health connection at all. No matter which angle I look at it from, I am regularly dealing with discomfort and stress, and scared of extreme medical procedures, that are not irrational to be scared of given how I am being treated and what my body is actually going through.
