sennashi_dorei

I think the meds are helping? Just, on average, my life is so much better in terms of how I feel. I have a little bit of mal-ease today, but nothing super atrocious. I was anxious earlier because I had a ticket to go ice skating, and I really wanted to go, but I have an ankle injury, and it is flaring today. I was convinced enough that I was going to be stupid enough to go enough so that I walked all the way over there, but walking is not super strenuous like ice skating, and I have a TON of energy today. I made 3 origami animals, and my first finished crochet piece: it is BEAUTIFUL.

Like everyone, I want to understand things. I ask people on the internet about their experience with the meds I'm on... Someone claimed that my heart med made them "slow", but feel better. So myself, wanting to take peoples' criticism seriously, am thinking about this. And I am currently noticing way more mistakes in my typing than usual.... but, I just made 3 basically perfect origami pieces, and the crochet piece, I will probably show off here later.. it looks perfect, truly perfect. I did not make any mistakes as best I can see, and this was honestly pretty much my first time crocheting in 15 yrs. I am truly blown away.

"Stupid at the rink"
I was stupid not to wear a helmet the first time I went, but I told myself today: "I do not need to be stupid." So I chose not to go with the ankle injury. The thing about being an HSR: I am sure that people assume that I am stupid because I had heart surgery... and I have no idea how much truth there is to that, but that is sort of a part of what disability is, why the disability program exists, to help people who are struggling. But these are veeeeery difficult lines, because, well for my perspective, there is what I can and can't do. And for another person's perspective.. if it is someone more capable than me, this becomes a freedom issue, right? To actually tell someone: you CAN'T do something... everyone's worst fear. The doctors have never told me I can't do anything. I have never had limits placed on me, I look for them, practically begging for them, you have seen it. Running is one of the hugest... and the doctors have encouraged trying to run... but now, I don't really feel comfortable trying. I have had serious cardiac stress while trying sometimes. I have techniques I can try if I really want to do it, but I am sooooo scared of hurting myself, right now, it does not really feel worth it, and I do call it a limit.

So anyway, I keep feeling like others are supposed to be helping me, but I... feel like there are limits about that too, and probably supposed to be also, it turns into those freedom lines again. I am trying this program that the hospital recommended me.. I checked it out, and I feel very mixed about it, there are some shady doings happening.. but since most people in society are a bunch of fascist asshats that want nothing to do with heart surgery recipients, I am backing myself into the caste system corner, they call it castling I guess, I just hope it has an ok outcome. I hate how hated I am.