Living a terrible life.

Chased away from my hometown. Didn't mind moving away sometimes, but I was choosing to move away. No one cares that I am even alive it often seems like. People working in hospitals are criminals. They literally jail me, and the only reason they will say why, is psych reasons, and they are doing it if I show up at the hospital with health issues. Do you have any idea how much this sucks for a heart surgery recipient? Currently, if you live in Maryland, you are a criminal: that is my home, and I should have a home there. You cannot just move where you are uninvited.

The difference between learning versus what feels like not learning.

My 20s were amazing when I lived in Japan. Before studying Japanese, as an English language speaker, I felt stupid. Systematically speaking, I didn't feel like I was gaining anything. Trying to learn didn't feel like it resulted in learning, and it was like being stumped, stuck in one place. Learning Japanese was this way of proving to myself that my brain was not the problem. To reach the levels that I have, it took intense study.. I would think to myself: "one day, I'll regret this." I haven't gotten there, not sure if I ever will after all. I wasn't given other things to study.

I could have studied nothing at all, like I'm doing these days. I want to be good at trigonometry and calculus, but society wants me to be a know nothing. These are literally high school classes, why do you wish for me to be dumb? Every day feels like a bit of a waste. I was surrounded by Japanese and it was great. Thinking about angles in characters was fun.. but I moved back here, and I try to move on.

Everything is so corrupt. I feel like I will die knowledge less as a slave. While I try talking to the only few people that do talk to me, who literally aren't even taking my life as a happy person seriously.