Waking up is not often nice.

[sennashi_dorei]

Actually it's not exactly pain. I guess you could describe it as light pain, but really it feels emotional. I have nothing to be excited about being awake for. Maybe just a few small things, "it's never enough"世界のは。 Fun joke. I wake up, and instantaneously wish I were back asleep.

Well now I've been up for a bit, and as the day wears on, things tend to feel at least a bit better. I become more ok with being awake, and I'm very good at finding things to do. If only I knew people that felt like I were worth receiving a monetary compensation, yes money does matter. Money is something that distinguishes humans from animals, and according to general society, I am not human, so I do not need money, that is always going to be the argument. There might be folks that argue "destroy the economy," and every here and there I semi agree, but I also think, "isn't work supposed to be paid for?" Oh, I'm all about the meritocracy of which there currently monetarily speaking is none. I'm having some damn great adventures, so I can be happy about that, but is the argument that people can't adventure well if they have money? Because I think that's dumb. Everything I own was stolen, and I was regularly locked up for a while. I get tired of people telling me what they think my problems are.

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[sennashi_dorei]

There is a low dim tightness in my chest currently. Yesterday, I had a near perfect health day, and the day before was mostly pretty good (you call me a liar since I was at the hospital).

I often wonder myself if I'm a liar. Do I make up that yesterday was so near perfect? While I feel this low pain, it's really not bad at all, but it is still a little scary and annoying. I think to myself, I must have made up yesterday, there's no way I could go a day with no pain, are you kidding me? Roughly almost 2 days!! The ENTIRE WEEK I was camping was literally just fine, and I felt invincible. Earlier this year, I went several weeks without pain. The first many years after my surgery were good enough that they didn't feel worth complaining at all. It could happen again, this could just be a flare up. It could be being caused by something, this might not be my reality forever, and I keep trying to hold on to that, but this seriously is not that amazing. Being alive at all is simply not that amazing. I don't feel like I'm treated like a human, or with respect. I left the United States so many years ago, and I moved to Japan.. would it have been anywhere else if Sailor Moon were persay made by China, Zimbabwe, or even Greece, would I have gone there instead? Learning about respect culture particularly in the ways that Japan is known for it, I learned that very early in my studies, I think I read about it in the 6th grade to the best of my recollection. And throughout my studies, it was regularly emphasized and pointed out to me, how it is used, and just its' existence at all. The difference between horizontal and vertical company movement: they tended to say that Japanese style was vertical, and western tended to be more horizontal: people switch from company to company a lot. And then you start thinking about the difference not only between each culture, but also between generations, as you imagine everything must certainly be switching around everywhere, and you don't even think those differences could actually be real: certainly people make movements of both types, in both cultures.

My chest is a little tight, and I remember several years ago, maybe even up to last year? Where pronounced breathing was a thing that happened regularly every now and then, noticeable enough that I was sure a medical person would take note of it, and I wondered if I even noticed at all every time it happened. It doesn't happen like it used to, it got better, like my leg pain, but now it's my chest, and I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a liar, and I just don't even know why I'm alive to be treated like this. I studied my ass off, and it was literally to be called mentally ill, which I call a synonym for retarded.

I already know I'm not THAT dumb, but my BODY seriously feccing is. My body doesn't usually know how to live without pain, and I'm in misery even trying to maintain friendships that remind me of my glorious days in Japan. I miss it there. I miss my friends sometimes, but I really miss my adventures in the books, learning about what looked so right that was apparently nothing more than mythical illusions. I hate humans.

[sennashi_dorei]

In my memory, yesterday feels utopian. And in fact, as I was living through yesterday, I recalled to myself, "this is euphoric." and I wonder if I made it up to make myself feel better and more hopeful. Even as I was going through it, I wondered if I was making it up, like the pain actually is either never there, or like the pain was still there, and I just couldn't notice it. Yesterday as far as I can remember was great, and the day before was mostly ok. I can think of, over the past week, if I look back.. more than half of what I remember from this past week are memories of times where it actually wasn't bad. There were two really bad days, and more than two days that were pretty good. Today is fluttery, and I already know that no one cares: they care so little, they have actually found ways to induce pain in my chest, and do so regularly, I kid you not, and it is seriously a WEAK response. I am psychologically WEAK. I'm tired of being told messages ranging from "you don't matter" to "I know what your problem is" ::if you really knew, then you would be a sadistic human for what you are letting me live through.

[sennashi_dorei]

Feeling better than when I woke up earlier, currently.