Lonely in Gorgeous

[sennashi_dorei]

午前零時飛び出した。

Ear worm!!

Cheered me up for a second, what a cute song. I don't feel capable of holding useful conversations, whatever that means.

I just keep thinking: this pain is not right, I'm not supposed to be having pain like this, and it definitely is a disability. I am sad that I'm not being recognized as disabled, or I am sad that I'm not being included in society in more meaningful (paid) ways. I don't feel like I'm being treated like a human being, I literally just feel like I'm being treated like a non member of society.

I have been trying to make new friends, I talked to someone the other day who said "You sound like you are drunk or on drugs." How would anyone consider that a polite or reasonable thing to say?

People keep saying these terribly offensive things to me, and it is EXACTLY insult to injury. Heart surgery FIXES problems, and it is unbelievable, it is still injury, it is not a complete fix, it's just not. Maybe there's someone out there that it is for? I felt like I was doing really good for a long time, but I don't really feel like it anymore, and parts of it are the ways that members of society are treating me. I'm tired of being told how worthless I already know I am. I miss the parts of Japanese culture that has friends cheering one another on, I wish I still had friends cheering me on. Jia you, ganbare. I guess there's good luck every here and there, or I hope you feel better, I really wish I felt better today.

Have been studying chemistry, that has been fun.

Walks regularly, but today is a very rainy day, so I've decided it's not worth going out.

Trying to have conversations online, but I don't really feel comfortable talking to almost anyone anymore.

Comments

[sennashi_dorei]

I think if I were being treated right in society, like I was in my 20s: I would still be talking about the pain now. The difference in how you treat me is your mistake, not mine. But I really get annoyed with the pain.

[sennashi_dorei]

People literally don't understand these scales. You can't see how someone feels. And you can be feeling better than you were the other day: it still might not be great, you tell yourself "It's not as bad as the other day!" So you know it's better, but it's definitely still not great, and it's not really fun. I like the euphoric days, and there are days where I feel ok-good, but it's not what I would classify as euphoric, and they are still good days.