retrospect.
Jan. 19th, 2025 06:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sennashi_doreiI got heart surgery and moved to Japan. Not the only one that did it, kinda glad, but I definitely don't recommend it for everyone. I wanted to move out of the country, and I got to, so I can be glad of that. I went to school for International studies because I wanted to move out of the country, and I wanted to feel like I earned it when I left.
They never told me not to, and you have no idea what heart surgery is. You could try to say that all of society is supposed to be completely militant: men go to war, women work in hospitals, defs makes me glad there's other genders.
And on that thought process: I got heart surgery as a young adult: it's like a partial cardiovascular education all in itself, where your medical records could educate you to the level of being able to do what has been done for you, for others. And the doctors never think of your experiences as an education for you. Once a patient: always a patient.
And they don't give you access to your records, so you're lost, still with a lot of information... and it's sooooo much, you don't want to deal. As far away as you can make it, the further the better, just make it go away, it didn't happen.
Every day, you just wish it didn't happen, it weren't a reality, but it's there, looking at you in your mind, as you try to move forward.
---
Constantly trying to find ways to define myself. It looks like heart surgery, Japan, I guess I mineswell say the US too if I'll say Japan, healthcare, biology, chemistry, math, origami
I'm rewriting my bio, but I'm not placing it there yet. The doctors are working more strongly with me to try to address the pain in the ways that I have wanted to, but I have no idea what I'm doing either.
They gave me some meds.
But housing is medicine too.
I hate that you treat me like I'm dead.
This is a horrible life. Even though there are some amazingly strong high points, the low points are not supposed to be the types of lows that anyone reaches, this is completely senseless and baseless. My life is being treated like nothing more than an episode of the looney tunes, and I hate it. This is literally violations of human rights. Maybe even letting me go to Japan should have been viewed that way: but I had an amazing time. I miss it there, it was so much better than what I'm getting here in some ways. But it was a time, and a place, and it's over, and I'm moving forward. How do I move forward with these levels of disrespect? I partially wanted to move to Japan due to their respect system, I had already felt like it was out of whack here in the US, and nothing has changed about that.
On the topic of the meds: Currently I'm in a pain low swing. Last year was horrid, I'm going to try better this year, but I'm exhausted from discrimination and maltreatment.
They never told me not to, and you have no idea what heart surgery is. You could try to say that all of society is supposed to be completely militant: men go to war, women work in hospitals, defs makes me glad there's other genders.
And on that thought process: I got heart surgery as a young adult: it's like a partial cardiovascular education all in itself, where your medical records could educate you to the level of being able to do what has been done for you, for others. And the doctors never think of your experiences as an education for you. Once a patient: always a patient.
And they don't give you access to your records, so you're lost, still with a lot of information... and it's sooooo much, you don't want to deal. As far away as you can make it, the further the better, just make it go away, it didn't happen.
Every day, you just wish it didn't happen, it weren't a reality, but it's there, looking at you in your mind, as you try to move forward.
---
Constantly trying to find ways to define myself. It looks like heart surgery, Japan, I guess I mineswell say the US too if I'll say Japan, healthcare, biology, chemistry, math, origami
I'm rewriting my bio, but I'm not placing it there yet. The doctors are working more strongly with me to try to address the pain in the ways that I have wanted to, but I have no idea what I'm doing either.
They gave me some meds.
But housing is medicine too.
I hate that you treat me like I'm dead.
This is a horrible life. Even though there are some amazingly strong high points, the low points are not supposed to be the types of lows that anyone reaches, this is completely senseless and baseless. My life is being treated like nothing more than an episode of the looney tunes, and I hate it. This is literally violations of human rights. Maybe even letting me go to Japan should have been viewed that way: but I had an amazing time. I miss it there, it was so much better than what I'm getting here in some ways. But it was a time, and a place, and it's over, and I'm moving forward. How do I move forward with these levels of disrespect? I partially wanted to move to Japan due to their respect system, I had already felt like it was out of whack here in the US, and nothing has changed about that.
On the topic of the meds: Currently I'm in a pain low swing. Last year was horrid, I'm going to try better this year, but I'm exhausted from discrimination and maltreatment.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-20 02:05 am (UTC)--
I'm leaving this post up top for a while. I'm just thinking out loud to myself: How am I supposed to move on from that? Heart surgery is often something that people go through at 60+ years old. Maybe sometimes infants too, but I'm in a pool that goes against the infant HS crew: a challenge that says stretching bad health is ok, only because my parents allowed that to happen, not because I chose it: but because it was chosen, I was allowed to make decisions for myself regarding HS as a YA.
My life sucks because everyone is acting like HS is some very regular experience that doesn't alter someone in fecced up ways. My life sucks because the heart is a regulator of emotions, and HS could only do so much for me. It also is horrible because of societal mistreatment, which was actually very nice in my 20s. You know what still wasn't nice? My stupid attitude because my body doesn't make sense. But at least my life was better, I miss that. I hate how horrible humans are capable of being, and allowing themselves to be.
Some ok things every here and there, but not strong enough, because I'm being treated like a slave. There are very strong ethical violations in my times. It's never going to get better if it hasn't by 2025, I'm glad that this species is doomed.
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Alternate:
I went to college and became proficient in a second language. Why did I even bother with the ways I'm being treated? I recommend that no one ever goes to college again, because it is non beneficial for your life, and society should kill itself because you're so close to actually doing so that you just need to keep taking a few more steps.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-22 02:35 pm (UTC)I'm upset at how bad the bad parts are, and even if they were fixed, I'd still have angry outbursts because they are connected to my physical health.
I wish I weren't alive because I'm too scared of chest pains, and I hate how I'm being treated.