Good morning: but, eh.

Everything feels hopeless again. Waking up, I wish I could go back to sleep. I made several plans for things that seem reasonable to do today. None of them are essential, so I just gave myself some options. But over all, with nothing that *has* to be done, everything feels like despair. "But you don't have a job, don't you have to apply for jobs?" Applying for jobs is a job, that's why I'm telling you I'm a slave.

Struggling with society over rules that should or could make sense.

Technological acceleration has got to be a good thing, right? There are people hooked up to machines, who would die without those machines, I know who you are, even if I don't. So you think: 24/7, it has to be 24/7 because if it weren't, someone would literally die. I don't know how it works, I just know that it does. But you end up thinking back to the simpler times of society, and the people that aren't in life or death crisises. Having a proper work schedule, and wanting some level of routine that brings a level of stability to life. You say, "I can spend a minute or two in this way to do something that respects a level of normalcy in which I wish COULD be a reality" when you know it would never work, and you wonder if your efforts to support the system that could never work somehow accidentally push everything in a direction that would really be unhelpful to so many folks, including even yourself.

Rob from the sick.

Why are humans this horrible?

I like this read: anesthesia!

About the types of anesthetics used for various medical procedures.

The article:
"What Is Anesthesia?
© Credit: Shutterstock

Anesthesia is a drug that prevents patients from feeling pain, or at least drastically reduces that pain, during surgery and childbirth. It is administered by specialist doctors called anesthesiologists. There are four types: General, sedation, regional, and local anesthesia. General is used for major operations, puts you to sleep, and makes you unable to move. Sedation blocks pain and makes you feel sleepy, but it doesn't actually put you fully to sleep. Regional anesthesia is a nerve blocker, such as the epidurals used in childbirth. They numb a large part of your body but you remain awake. Local anesthetics are used for minor procedures and numb only a small part of the body. Doctors will use local anesthetic for when they are removing stitches, for example. (1)"

A response to this article: According to this article, the injections that they are giving me in the mental hospitals would have to be classified as general anaesthetics. I really think they are administering or at least attempting to administer regional/sedation anaesthetics and that there are definitions that look different than this. I'm basically being shot up with tranquilizers that put me out.

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Some more articles:

video about experiment vet program
This one is just a little shady - did they say they can induce cardiac arrest?


A report about hospitals and anesthetics This one seriously hits home. When I get locked up in these behavioral health units, my largest area of trauma is that they are jabbing me with needles that knock me out of consciousness(against my consent).. ..If they magically know that I'm about to have a bad pain episode, and are trying to save me from it, then great, I do consent. Sometimes the pain gets bad enough that I want them to knock me out. They are usually a version of an anesthetic on me. A tranquilizer basically. And they are doing it for their benefit, not mine, I'm certain of it. That's why I argue it's misuse. You can't just remove someone's consciousness because they annoy you. I have no way to tell who the real doctors are anymore. I have no option but to become a doctor.


Reads like a sci fi short - about medical companiesMaybe it's sci fi? How am I to know!


Regional Anesthesia Reduces Chronic Pain and Opioid Use After Noncardiac Surgery I really enjoyed the title of this article. I found the contents very difficult to understand. It's non cardiac, so what does it have to do with me? I'm seriously vested in topics of chronic pain regardless of heart surgery or not, so it was alright.

Ideas as to how anaesthetics work. Save the best for last, I super enjoyed this one.

Everything is FOMO

Maybe? I don't know. My chest has been intermittantly hurting since mid this afternoon. Oh, I'll never remember the useful facts of what I already know from this. Basically that the chest pains are isolated away from other stuff. It literally is like nothing matters at all. It is easy for me to not to care about things that aren't chest pains. If I don't have them, I can be happy even if some other stuff is going wrong. I can also be angry at reasonable times to be angry: I had a very nice time being angry earlier today, it was nice to be angry, and not feel like it was medically related. Sorry to the person on the other end of the phone who was not responsible for the problem that I was angry about, but dang, I really did have a fun ol' time.

I got a TON of exercise this morning, I literally was barely inside at all. My pedometer, I mean who knows how those things work anyway.. if I had to guess, I'd say 15-20,000 steps today, pedometer verifies at least 10,000 of them, and I just did 15,000 the other day, unbelievable, yah!

Maybe just because the numbers are so big, it feels impressive. I wasn't into physical activity when I was younger. It's not going to be a pleasant night laying down most likely, maybe not as bad as some nights.. I can dream that the pain will just decide to stop, but it's just not likely to happen. I feel really sick, and recently, I've been asking myself: "What's the difference between not feeling well and being sick?" and of course, capitalist society argues that if you're not contagious, then it's your job to be working, regardless of how much pain you are in: this is also an anti-female argument. Ugh, everything sucks.